The pain was real and it has been such a good teacher, it has ensured our survival thus far.
The endless waves of emotions, translating into thoughts, upon this ocean I sit, waiting – waning. The heart how it holds back so much, how wrecked it is, to be human and not in the sense of the word that connotes an accomplishment. Somehow the word human, the sound of it, like from an Apple commercial, ethereal and gritty, to me means so much right now. The muddy, the grime, the imperfections, the sinful nature of man, we ourselves cannot fathom because until we die do we even realize it; but the death of the body means that the mind is useless to even grasp those things. And so, it would follows that only the more constant beings can see such a thing: like nature, the trees of the forest, the angels and spirits, and the Creator of us. And yet, the beauty in this frailty, perhaps is the reason we are spared and allowed to boast in the weakness of us, of our limitations and constant stumbling, like a child or a woman, whom is described as the weaker sex (not in any skills or actual strength per say but in a holistic sense) in our Lord’s word, needing protection and love.
In our weakness, we love and fail. In our failure we cry, we promise ourselves not to love again, to be stronger the next time around. In our strength we find love once again, only to find that we cannot love without weakness, without vulnerability, we hold back. We fear. The pain was real and it has been such a good teacher, it has ensured our survival thus far. We count on loving, hoping that it would work, with half a heart. A thing to be longed for, to hope for, the thing that humans need the most of, we hold back because of fear.
18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. – 1 John 4:18
The pain is just too real, like a dagger, a splinter irremovable in our heart as it healed around the thing. How did it happen? How did we get there? What is truly love and how do we navigate a land which we have no road map and for which so many wrong turns have been taken?
O Lord, teach us how to love.
The Mountain's King 