Tag: Devotional

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When is it my Turn?

Believing is a matter of grit; coming to believe is a matter of grace. When we choose to believe one thing or another, we are acting willfully, but when come to believe we discover that we are convinced of something because reality allows for nothing else.” – Burt

Somehow, somewhere in my spirit, I know this. This truth, the surrender, what faith really is and the amount of times that I have forgotten this fact is exactly the number of times I have come to understand it again. In my being, I am still part beast, filled with ignorance. But perhaps it is a truth worth renewing and seeing again. I suppose sanctification takes steps and a repetition of it hopefully sinks in at some point.

I would describe myself as a very systematic person. I thrive on order and reason, although I’d like to think that I’m open minded. I suppose that would be subjective, but I do try to entertain as many thoughts as possible. In being organized and systematic, I live a fairly disciplined and controlled lifestyle. One of the hardest thing for me to accept has always being control. Without knowing it, I want to control everything. I’ve lived and am still battling with the illusion of control. That somehow I can control it, my life, my finances, my relationships, my world. I cannot.

In succumbing to this realization, hitting rock bottom in terms of despair, failed relationships,  emotional pain, and unhealthy habits, the Lord sought me and through the seed of faith and the support of friends, I surrendered. In this act of surrender, I give up this need to be my own God, to control, the brokenness of which allowed the Light to peer through the cracks. The freedom of it is glorious because I no longer have to appear to “have it all together”. I am free to love, to live, to fail. The greatest gift of Grace is received not in the merit but in the unmerit, in the realization, in the acceptance, in the simple surrender to reality, to God.

Alas, the beast in me, the man in me, the sin in me, is always asking, “Ok, God, when is it my turn”. I want to say to God: “thanks God for saving me”, now I’ll try to live a better life and try harder. Hilarious as it might be, but I do that every time, and every time I fail. It might work for a little while, but the roller coaster of “faith” eventually dips south. The highs are not without the lows. I’m that kid that is raising his hands, wanting, waiting, to say “when is it my turn”. When is it my turn to be god, to be without you. I think my intentions are good, but in reality it is painted pride, the nature of a world brought up to say that it is self-sustainable and self sufficient. I live in a world of hurry, of ungratefulness, a world passing by, of decay, of impermanence. Growing up, I had always been taught that my belief determined my world, so I always wanted to “believe” in good things. I admire self-help books, the type that tells you to put positive thoughts into your head or to imagine victory and see it occur. In some sense, that helps you to see the effects of beliefs, but in terms of reality, it is not real, it is a controlled illusion, an altered reality that can be helpful but in the end detrimental to actual growth. I wanted to believe in God, I wanted to tell God that I can muster up enough faith to believe in Him. I can make Him into being. It’s like believing in Santa Clause because you want presents for Christmas.

When is it my turn to be god, to be without you.

Faith is abiding. Faith is letting go. In its surrender and rest for us, yet within us it is profoundly active. It is the fermentation, the undetectable by human eyes sort of change. It is the water and grape juice into fine wine, and it takes time. It is a daily cross. It is a transformation, a cocoon of this worm of a caterpillar, it is humbleness and honesty. If you don’t believe in God, it is OK. God doesn’t need you to believe in Him as much as the sun doesn’t need you to believe in it to give light to the entire galaxy, giving life to this planet, while making your skin all nice and warm. So stop trying to believe, stop trying to save yourself, you’re not good at it anyway. Let go. Let God.

My prayer: God help my unbelief and end this ridiculousness. Help me to abide in you and strengthen my faith as you open up my eyes.penguin 4

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Thanksgiving is Not a Holiday

Thankful happy

As I laid, lazy, full of turkey and whatever unbelievable amounts of food mixing in my stomach after one of the many large meals this weekend, I thought deep and hard about what Thanksgiving meant to me. The bizarre fact of which, of me even thinking about something profound when the majority of my metabolic capacity was probably diverted to the digestive organs, was nothing short of a miracle. The time spent with family and friends this time of the year was undoubtedly a blessing. A blessing with which many of us look forward to and enjoy. To eat heartily, to be merry, to be thankful. God is pleased I’m sure, because He is our provider and would have us enjoy the fruits of the harvest.

Amidst this enjoyment however, I can’t help but think about what it means to be thankful. The word is commonplace, we are taught, reminded even, when we were children to be thankful, not necessarily for lack of the sentiment sometimes, but because we forget. I find it kind, yet somewhat insincere, when my brother would remind my nieces to say “thank you” when I’ve given them something or did something for them. The irony of it all is that I recognize that I’m not much different from a child sometimes in my own lack of gratitude. I take, I receive, I consume, and sometimes I wish I had someone to remind me to stop: to receive with gratitude the gifts which which I am given. How much more the Father would be pleased, how much more the pleasure from the gift, if only I would do that.

Most self help books claiming to make you “happy” in 21 steps will inevitably invite you to be thankful. To take time to write down, perhaps in a journal daily or maybe weekly, a list of things (maybe 3 to 5, as if that’s all you can be thankful for) for which you are appreciative.  Scientists who “studies” the psychology of happiness will have you believe that these habits will make a happier you. So let’s expound upon this process. If simply by writing down the things you are thankful for can make you happy, then it must follows that by being intentional about the things that you have (as opposed to your lacking) can indeed make you appreciate it more. So intentionality, leading to appreciation, contributing to happiness.  When I first encountered the idea some years ago, I was astounded. Naturally, a “Thanks” journal was started, but slowly tapered off naturally with dishabit. I do not disagree with the idea or the habit, in fact I think it is a great idea because we do often need to be reminded, but just as when we taste the icing of a cake, we know there’s much more to the thing. Even a dull mirror reflect some light, after all.

Something in us knows that there’s much more to that. Happiness isn’t in a habit or a few steps. We want to believe it because it is convenient and even trivial. It has a hint of the Truth no doubt, but the matter as most has a deeper root, and when dealing with roots we go back to the heart. The adage and central theme: “the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart”. And, at least for me, the heart of the matter is this: if I have to think and scour the scope of my thoughts for things to be thankful for, I have forgotten what it means to be Christian. So I find Thanksgiving ought not to be just a Holiday, but a way of living. Christians would not find this contradictory because it is commanded, and like most commands when met with obedience, joy abounds.

Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift! 2 Cor 9:15

If that attitude is not apparent then one has not enjoy the book of Psalms, or the hopeful writing of the Apostle Paul. If one would stop to realize, to receive, the true redemption that comes from Christ, to gaze upon the cost of it, one would realize there’s no greater thing to be thankful for! The gospel therefore is not just for evangelizing or for teaching, but for relishing and enjoying, like a delicious honey ham, on a regular basis. Hypocrisy is a starving man, when in indescribable Abundance, tries to feed another human being.

Paul lamented that ALL things, the culmination of his life, of his past and future, all of it as dung (rubbish in a milder translation), that he may gain Christ (Philippians 3:8). Does that sound like a sad or starving man to you? But physically, we know that Paul suffered much physically as he writes this whilst in prison. If a man, who had been beaten, stoned, three times shipwrecked, and imprisoned, can write with such joy and gratefulness, who am I to have anything worth complaining of? Paul, in Philippians, explains it so beautifully the art of contentment, of true joy in Christ.

Presently, in the comfort of this Starbucks while sipping on my caramel brulee latte, I can’t help but feel a bit of guilt, a blush, not because there’s anything wrong with what I’m doing as I write this, but because that’s how I ought to feel! A child, now reminded! Thank you Jesus!

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1: 2-4

Alas, as Lewis often posits: the highs are never without the lows. We know this world we live in is in mutiny, it is in chaos (a topic for another day), yet the promises of the Lord gives us so much hope. A reading of Romans chapter 8 will challenge your thinking if you thought otherwise. James reminds us of that as well (amongst many other examples). We will face trials, we will suffer, we hurt, and will hurt others, but it is for our good. So then, in all things, good or bad, whether in peace or suffering, be thankful and consider it pure joy!

The truth sometimes is never real to us until we experience it in a life or death situation. CS Lewis knew a few things about suffering himself in his short book, A Grief Observed. I suppose one would not truly be able to understand the sentiment unless by primary exposure, but alas the point bitterly strong, like medicine. We take for granted this life, this reality, this time, the people in our lives. Life itself. On this point, I’ll stop here for fear of overstepping my bounds in writing about what it would be like to lose, so abruptly, someone so close to your heart, to your soul…

The truth is many people go without food, war, and diseases abound. The World Food Programme states that 842 million people in the world do not have food to eat and that:

Poor nutrition causes nearly half (45%) of deaths in children under five – 3.1 million children each year.

Being a critic of statistics, why would I even consider these numbers, because it reminds us of something rather important: 1) that we are sometimes so pathetically ungrateful because we know not the depth of lows or choose to ignore it altogether, and 2) because the Lord demands our grateful heart to grow in love and charity. To be the arms and feet of Him, to feed, clothe, comfort, love the least of these. As our hearts are filled with his love, as we proceed in Thanksgiving, as goodness takes root in our heart, let us not be like the 9 ungrateful lepers, who have been healed of our infirmities, redeemed by His death, and now alive, just go on our merry way as if nothing happened (Luke 17: 11-19). Let us be like the one leper who having been healed, ran in unimaginable gladness, probably throwing his hands in the air like an airplane flying, a bird freed, coming back to thank Him, giving glory to the healer, the LORD of the universe!

Jesus commands us to be thankful, to be joyful, to praise him, to eat, to drink, to give, to do all things to His glory! Thanksgiving is not a Holiday, it is the only rightful response of the redeemed.