Believing is a matter of grit; coming to believe is a matter of grace. When we choose to believe one thing or another, we are acting willfully, but when come to believe we discover that we are convinced of something because reality allows for nothing else.” – Burt
Somehow, somewhere in my spirit, I know this. This truth, the surrender, what faith really is and the amount of times that I have forgotten this fact is exactly the number of times I have come to understand it again. In my being, I am still part beast, filled with ignorance. But perhaps it is a truth worth renewing and seeing again. I suppose sanctification takes steps and a repetition of it hopefully sinks in at some point.
I would describe myself as a very systematic person. I thrive on order and reason, although I’d like to think that I’m open minded. I suppose that would be subjective, but I do try to entertain as many thoughts as possible. In being organized and systematic, I live a fairly disciplined and controlled lifestyle. One of the hardest thing for me to accept has always being control. Without knowing it, I want to control everything. I’ve lived and am still battling with the illusion of control. That somehow I can control it, my life, my finances, my relationships, my world. I cannot.
In succumbing to this realization, hitting rock bottom in terms of despair, failed relationships, emotional pain, and unhealthy habits, the Lord sought me and through the seed of faith and the support of friends, I surrendered. In this act of surrender, I give up this need to be my own God, to control, the brokenness of which allowed the Light to peer through the cracks. The freedom of it is glorious because I no longer have to appear to “have it all together”. I am free to love, to live, to fail. The greatest gift of Grace is received not in the merit but in the unmerit, in the realization, in the acceptance, in the simple surrender to reality, to God.
Alas, the beast in me, the man in me, the sin in me, is always asking, “Ok, God, when is it my turn”. I want to say to God: “thanks God for saving me”, now I’ll try to live a better life and try harder. Hilarious as it might be, but I do that every time, and every time I fail. It might work for a little while, but the roller coaster of “faith” eventually dips south. The highs are not without the lows. I’m that kid that is raising his hands, wanting, waiting, to say “when is it my turn”. When is it my turn to be god, to be without you. I think my intentions are good, but in reality it is painted pride, the nature of a world brought up to say that it is self-sustainable and self sufficient. I live in a world of hurry, of ungratefulness, a world passing by, of decay, of impermanence. Growing up, I had always been taught that my belief determined my world, so I always wanted to “believe” in good things. I admire self-help books, the type that tells you to put positive thoughts into your head or to imagine victory and see it occur. In some sense, that helps you to see the effects of beliefs, but in terms of reality, it is not real, it is a controlled illusion, an altered reality that can be helpful but in the end detrimental to actual growth. I wanted to believe in God, I wanted to tell God that I can muster up enough faith to believe in Him. I can make Him into being. It’s like believing in Santa Clause because you want presents for Christmas.
When is it my turn to be god, to be without you.
Faith is abiding. Faith is letting go. In its surrender and rest for us, yet within us it is profoundly active. It is the fermentation, the undetectable by human eyes sort of change. It is the water and grape juice into fine wine, and it takes time. It is a daily cross. It is a transformation, a cocoon of this worm of a caterpillar, it is humbleness and honesty. If you don’t believe in God, it is OK. God doesn’t need you to believe in Him as much as the sun doesn’t need you to believe in it to give light to the entire galaxy, giving life to this planet, while making your skin all nice and warm. So stop trying to believe, stop trying to save yourself, you’re not good at it anyway. Let go. Let God.
My prayer: God help my unbelief and end this ridiculousness. Help me to abide in you and strengthen my faith as you open up my eyes.
The Mountain's King 